Every day I promise to find a silver lining. I still woke up. I still had my coffee I got dressed I went to work. Everything still feels like its going in slow motion and everything is a struggle. But I did it, I stuck to a routine for the first time in a week. Silver Linings Playbook is one of my favourite movies, and inadvertently it outlines very clearly what many people believe to be the five stages of grief. Whilst in the grand scheme of things, breaking up with someone is not catastrophic, I mean he’s still happy and healthy so really, why am I being such a downer? The truth is, I need to discount this notion that my grief isn’t real grief. I feel what I feel because it feels like he’s gone forever.
Denial. There is definitely denial. I don’t understand how if someone loves you why they can’t imagine a future with you. I don’t understand how just a few short days before he was telling me about our future together, making our future together. I don’t believe why someone who can love me so much, can hurt me so much, even though I know it’s not intentional. And I really don’t understand how I can’t fix it.
Anger. Truth be told there is very little anger I harbour towards him. Maybe in time it’ll come. Maybe in time I’ll stop looking through rose coloured lenses and realize how much he hurt me for reasons that should never be aired in public. But I can’t say that I am. I made my piece with the anger a long time ago and have truly always forgiven him.
Bargaining. I imagine these scenarios where something I will say or something someone will say will make him realize what he felt before. That a life with me was possible. That a life together was possible. It’s like in the movie, maybe if I’m a better person…he’ll like me more. Maybe if I made those changes he always supported me in making, he’ll come back to me. That is the wrong way to look at it as now I understand he didn’t want me to change for him, he wanted me to change and be better for me.
Depression and hopelessness. Well we all know there is certainly plenty of that.
“ Hopelessness is the most pervasive and debilitating. It is the thing that leads us to believe that nothing will ever be or feel different than it is right now” . I can’t see a silver lining. I don’t see that light. I don’t know how I’ll feel better if feeling better means forgetting the person I love. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels safe. I worry about leaving my house I worry about going to work because the smallest little thing triggers tears. And this is why I’ve realized that perhaps my normally very stable sane self is incapable of dealing this on my own. No matter what my friends and family say I can’t see how this is for the best. I don’t see. Anything.
I know my trigger points. And I can tell when I’m sinking. I’ve always put it off but now I recognize that I may need some serious professional intervention. S always told me that he can’t always help me, that I need to make a positive change. And maybe this will be the start of a positive change that will help me towards the last stage of grieving. Acceptance.
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