doin' just fine

"When you said good bye I felt so all alone there were times at night I couldn't sleep my heart was much too weak to make it on my own." Boyz II Men.
Is there ever a convenient time to break up? This break up so fresh in my mind comes at a wholly inconvenient time. My career is up for debate, where I would live was up for debate, the only thing that was for certain I thought was my love for this boy. We would end up here, or we would end up in New York, one way or another love would conquer all and all that mattered was that we would be together. But that's never the way the story ends now is it. I can now very stoutly say that that was a ridiculous notion. Not that I don't believe in love conquering all because this love conquered a lot. But I couldn't see in all my fantastical ideas and naivety that this must have meant so much intense pressure on him. I was not, and still am not happy with the person I am, and I can't figure out who the person I want to be is.
He always made me smile. He was always worried about me my happiness my self fulfilment and in all that where was his? Relying on him only made it more difficult for him to realize what it was he needed and wanted, and I now recognize that. I want to say that I was there for him, but was I really? I was all consumed in this love, this belief that love would get us through that I forgot maybe for him,it wasn't enough. And maybe that is the part that hurts the most. In all my flaws, all my imperfections, all my insecurities, he wanted truly and deeply to force me to see them, fix them, be ok with them. He told me everyday I was beautiful, I always scoffed. But maybe just maybe I should have reminded him more that he was beautiful too. One of the most caring, considerate people I've ever met. Everything from his work ethic, to his need for adventure, to his treatment of his family, he was full of love and joy and caring, that I was lucky to be part of. And now it's gone. And that hurts more than anything.