Bad days..

Good days and bad days. Yesterday was a good day. I laughed and revelled in small silly things. I joked around with co workers I went to the gym I ate right. And I genuinely smiled for the first time in what felt like years. Then I went home. That's when the quiet expanse my overwhelming imagination..... My dark real and imagined emptiness consumed me.
I keep thinking of these bandage solutions. Keep yourself busy keep yourself distracted but when these distractions run out you're left at exactly the same spot you were to begin with. Bottom of the ladder, end of your rope.
I've never been good at compartmentalizing things. Always taking everything too seriously always taking everything to heart. I epitomize the phrase "taking your work home". Hospitality has always been that escape. My own troubles lost in the constant need to make other people happy, other people smiling. I didnt realize until I stepped away how much toll that took on my own soul. Maybe that's how S felt. All consumed with keeping me happy and keeping me afloat that when it was his turn he had no idea how to tell me no idea how to air these feelings and frustrations that ate him alive.
I sent him an email . Nothing in the body subject line saying" no matter what happens to us I'll always always be there for you" and I'm not sure if I did it for me or for him. I know he won't reach out he's rubbish at it. Always has been. And frankly I don't know if I can bear for him to reply for him to be there but not be there. Today has been a bad day.