Dear Scott
It's been however long it's been and I still miss you. I've never been one to lay my cards on the table always holding something back. Scared to give everything scared to get hurt but I guess since you're gone it doesn't matter.. There's no risk of seeing you on the street since you're so shit at your Instagram no risk of seeing you showing someone else your affection no risk of you seeing how broken I feel.
I'm not sure how one recovers from something like this . Usually there's a tangible thing to hold on to. Disagreements philosophical differences.. But I always felt like even if we were in different chapters we were always on the same page . It scared me for a long time but I wanted a life with you. The uncertainty (and there was a lot) didn't matter because in the end I would be with you. You with all your silly little phrases all your quirks.
You made me want to be a better version of me. Whilst I always pretended like I resisted ugh! It made me love you more and more . Because you accepted my flaws and more
importantly made me accept them too.
I'm not sure which part is worst. I mean at the end of the day you had already left anyways so whilst the physical presence of you being gone was hard . Not having you around mentally is even harder. I deleted out whAtsapp conversation. But I did re read a lot of it and I can't say I've ever met anyone that I've clicked with like that immediately. Even our first conversation which almost could have turned into sleaze bag territory I found honest and refreshing. And whilst a lot of times I wish your phone had grammar correct too . I looked forward to our daily silly banter more than you know. Nothing started a day off better than saying good morning.
It kills me that i can't be there for you through your chaos and turmoil like you've always been for me. It kills me that we won't be sharing the hard times together because the easy times are easy. But we always got through the hard times a little bruised, but together and stronger.
I don't know if I can bring myself to send you this because I do love you so much and I recognize that you've made a decision and I need to respect that. And even though I am very hurt and probably will be for a long time I still very much love and respect you. For the person you are the person I know you'll be and for helping me be the person I want to be.
It's a strange phenomenon. One day you're here, the next day I'm supposed to pretend like you don't exist but I feel broken. I can't wrap my head around it. It's like the world is testing me to see if I'm strong and I'm scared that I'm not.
I want you to know that despite all that. I do love you. I want the best for you and I want you to be happy like you made me. You always put a smile on my face even if it was a grimace. I can't pretend you didn't exist because why would I? Even though it hurts I consider myself lucky to have met you. I hope that your memory of me will be the same.
I miss you so much Scott. Every little part.
I'm not sure if I've ever given this much away. And I recognize that I probably won't receive a response which is likely for the best.
I want you to know I'm trying. That I DO listen and I am trying to be a better version of me. It's just unfortunate that that version won't have you in it. I'm sorry if this email is scary for you. But I spent a lot of this relationship holding back. Not showing you my cards. But now you have them. Please take care
Love always
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