I think I was asked out on a date...

I think I was asked out in a date the other day... I'm generally really oblivious to male attention. I grew up kind of as the ugly duckling, played a lot of sports and to this day the majority of my friends are male, we just click better . Women are generally too high strung a bit irrational and overally emotional, apparently break ups turn me into much the same animal. According to S, he always said I was one of the most stunning girls he's ever met... I would always make a a crunchy face because as he astutely pointed out... I have no idea .
Everytime I have to rehash the story of how and why we've broken up it becomes a little more real. It takes me a little bit longer to get to the point of tears ( although I always do) and it seems a little less like a bad dream that I desperately want to wake up from. I crave contact with him like crazy. Just another conversation just another hug just another anything. How can someone who always showed his care and affection for me just disappear like that. Vanished without any concern about how I'm doing? But the more I think about it the more I realize that it's for the best. He needs his time. And chances are it hurts him too to see me soul wrenchingly upset, heaving with tears.
I don't think going on a date is a good idea. People say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone but.. That's neither fair to myself nor to the other person. I'm not over S . So much of me wants us to just get over this rough patch and everything will be fine again whether it be days months... Even years. I'm not sure this Is something I will ever or want to ever recover from. I miss him dearly... That's all. No lesson to be learnt no epiphany to be reached.

Bad days..

Good days and bad days. Yesterday was a good day. I laughed and revelled in small silly things. I joked around with co workers I went to the gym I ate right. And I genuinely smiled for the first time in what felt like years. Then I went home. That's when the quiet expanse my overwhelming imagination..... My dark real and imagined emptiness consumed me.
I keep thinking of these bandage solutions. Keep yourself busy keep yourself distracted but when these distractions run out you're left at exactly the same spot you were to begin with. Bottom of the ladder, end of your rope.
I've never been good at compartmentalizing things. Always taking everything too seriously always taking everything to heart. I epitomize the phrase "taking your work home". Hospitality has always been that escape. My own troubles lost in the constant need to make other people happy, other people smiling. I didnt realize until I stepped away how much toll that took on my own soul. Maybe that's how S felt. All consumed with keeping me happy and keeping me afloat that when it was his turn he had no idea how to tell me no idea how to air these feelings and frustrations that ate him alive.
I sent him an email . Nothing in the body subject line saying" no matter what happens to us I'll always always be there for you" and I'm not sure if I did it for me or for him. I know he won't reach out he's rubbish at it. Always has been. And frankly I don't know if I can bear for him to reply for him to be there but not be there. Today has been a bad day.

Silver linings....

Every day I promise to find a silver lining. I still woke up. I still had my coffee I got dressed I went to work.  Everything still feels like its going in slow motion and everything is a struggle. But I did it, I stuck to a routine for the first time in a week. Silver Linings Playbook is one of my favourite movies, and inadvertently it outlines very clearly what many people believe to be the five stages of grief. Whilst in the grand scheme of things, breaking up with someone is not catastrophic, I mean he’s still happy and healthy so really, why am I being such a downer? The truth is, I need to discount this notion that my grief isn’t real grief. I feel what I feel  because it feels like he’s gone forever.

Denial. There is definitely denial. I don’t understand how if someone loves you why they can’t imagine a future with you. I don’t understand how just a few short days before he was telling me about our future together, making our future together. I don’t believe why someone who can love me so much, can hurt me so much, even though I know it’s not intentional. And I really don’t understand how I can’t fix it.

Anger. Truth be told there is very little anger I harbour towards him. Maybe in time it’ll come. Maybe in time I’ll stop looking through rose coloured lenses and realize how much he hurt me for reasons that should never be aired in public.  But I can’t say that I am. I made my piece with the anger a long time ago and have truly always forgiven him.

Bargaining. I imagine these scenarios where something I will say or something someone will say will make him realize what he felt before. That a life with me was possible. That a life together was possible. It’s like in the movie, maybe if I’m a better person…he’ll like me more. Maybe if I made those changes he always supported me in making, he’ll come back to me. That is the wrong way to look at it as now I understand he didn’t want me to change for him, he wanted me to change and be better for me.

Depression and hopelessness. Well we all know there is certainly plenty of that. 

“ Hopelessness is the most pervasive and debilitating. It is the thing that leads us to believe that nothing will ever be or feel different than it is right now” . I can’t see a silver lining. I don’t see that light. I don’t know how I’ll feel better if feeling better means forgetting the person I love. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels safe. I worry about leaving my house I worry about going to work because the smallest little thing triggers tears. And this is why I’ve realized that perhaps my normally very stable sane self is incapable of dealing this on my own. No matter what my friends and family say I can’t see how this is for the best. I don’t see. Anything.

I know my trigger points. And I can tell when I’m sinking. I’ve always put it off but now I recognize that I may need some serious professional intervention. S always told me that he can’t always help me, that I need to make a positive change. And maybe this will be the start of a positive change that will help me towards the last stage of grieving. Acceptance.

I couldn't go to work today...

I couldn't go to work today. I went to bed with every intention of having discipline carrying on like the strong independent woman I thought I was.. But I couldn't. I can't understand how the world keeps turning, how the sun keeps shining, when such a big part of my world has been taken away. He was part of my life my routine. The anticipation of that first *ping* in the morning saying good morning. Looking forward to getting through my day to see his handsome face over the internet, going through the mundane details of our daily lives like they were gems to be relished, getting us through another day spent seperated. And of course always ending every conversation with "I love you" because it took us a while to get there and I couldn't ever tell him enough.
I love you. Such loaded words. For a relationship so greatly calculated so thought out I actually let "I love you" slip. We were on the phone I was eagerly awaiting his arrival and before hanging up "love ya!" Silence. Awkward silence. Maybe he didn't hear me maybe he was going to ignore it. After we nonchalantly danced around the issue for what seemed like an eternity, finally "you know I care about you deeply, that Ive loved you for a Long time" elation.butterflies. Happiness that I didn't know I could feel.not just because the boy I loved loved me back, but also that I was comfortable enough with this boy to let go of my inhibitions and give up my heart and my love screw what came. We knew we were going to get hurt either way, we had already started dealing with the impending reality of him leaving. But it didn't matter. It wasn't convenient love. It was love that persevered through uncertainty and chaos. Love that I thought would persevere.

Setting goals

One step at a time. One day at a time. Those are the mantras that everyone reminds you of when you go through a break up. My goal today was not to cry. Which proved utterly useless it was not meant to be. I'd avoided being in public most of this weekend because I didn't know what would trigger another absolute bout of hysteria. "This girl sounds absolutely wet". Well in fairness it certainly seems like I am but those who know me know that in most circumstances I am unwavering, emotionless, and cutthroat. Repress repress repress that is the Asian way.
The stupidest thing...the most inane thing will remind me how much S permeated my life left his mark, and took it away.
The Pinocchio keychain from our first vacation in Florence together. The wooden minature that S knowing me like he does gently reminded me that it probably wouldn't last very long what with the protruding nose and all. As it turns out that only thing that's broken yet is our relationship. That vacation was significant for so many reasons. It was the first time he accidentally on purpose called me his girlfriend. It was the first time we forewent all those first dating civilities and recognized that we both had bodily functions. It wasn't all roses there was morning breath and grooming issues to contend with and I was never more happy than when I got to wake up every morning to him, his smell his presence his warmth.
I cried in Morrisons today, yes Morrisons and why? All because of a Godamn basil plant. I had dragged S with me to go shopping for our post / pre thanksgiving celebrations, he thought we were going to hang out but not to be as we spent the first of many days together just being domestic. That basil plant. I wanted fresh herbs and I remember S shooting off lost for 15 minutes. He had made finding me the perfect basil plant his personal mission, asking staff looking high and low he made the most mundane thing so important to him because he always made me feel so important. I was always a priority, no matter how silly or insignificant it could have been.
The macaroons in the mall made me cry. They reminded me of that little amazing bakery in Budapest where for three days we'd walk by take a whiff and say, "well let's just get a quick macaroon". And everyday for three days we'd walk out our change pockets empties, our tummies satiated, and a slightly guilty grin on our face. This trip was ours together to celebrate our birthdays together. This was the trip that solidified what I knew a long long time ago but was so so scared to address. That I was heads over heels for this boy. Wholly completely no abandoned love him.
I don't know when I'll stop crying. I think that this goal setting this goal is the most unrealistic one I can set for myself. Because to stop crying is to forget. Or have these beautiful memories fade. And to be honest in not sure I am willing to do so. I don't want my memory of him to diminish.

doin' just fine

"When you said good bye I felt so all alone there were times at night I couldn't sleep my heart was much too weak to make it on my own." Boyz II Men.
Is there ever a convenient time to break up? This break up so fresh in my mind comes at a wholly inconvenient time. My career is up for debate, where I would live was up for debate, the only thing that was for certain I thought was my love for this boy. We would end up here, or we would end up in New York, one way or another love would conquer all and all that mattered was that we would be together. But that's never the way the story ends now is it. I can now very stoutly say that that was a ridiculous notion. Not that I don't believe in love conquering all because this love conquered a lot. But I couldn't see in all my fantastical ideas and naivety that this must have meant so much intense pressure on him. I was not, and still am not happy with the person I am, and I can't figure out who the person I want to be is.
He always made me smile. He was always worried about me my happiness my self fulfilment and in all that where was his? Relying on him only made it more difficult for him to realize what it was he needed and wanted, and I now recognize that. I want to say that I was there for him, but was I really? I was all consumed in this love, this belief that love would get us through that I forgot maybe for him,it wasn't enough. And maybe that is the part that hurts the most. In all my flaws, all my imperfections, all my insecurities, he wanted truly and deeply to force me to see them, fix them, be ok with them. He told me everyday I was beautiful, I always scoffed. But maybe just maybe I should have reminded him more that he was beautiful too. One of the most caring, considerate people I've ever met. Everything from his work ethic, to his need for adventure, to his treatment of his family, he was full of love and joy and caring, that I was lucky to be part of. And now it's gone. And that hurts more than anything.

Day 2

I miss you

Dear Scott

It's been however long it's been and I still miss you. I've never been one to lay my cards on the table always holding something back. Scared to give everything scared to get hurt but I guess since you're gone it doesn't matter.. There's no risk of seeing you on the street since you're so shit at your Instagram no risk of seeing you showing someone else your affection no risk of you seeing how broken I feel. 

I'm not sure how one recovers from something like this . Usually there's a tangible thing to hold on to. Disagreements philosophical differences.. But I always felt like even if we were in different chapters we were always on the same page . It scared me for a long time but I wanted a life with you. The uncertainty (and there was a lot) didn't matter because in the end I would be with you. You with all your silly little phrases all your quirks. 

You made me want to be a better version of me. Whilst I always pretended like I resisted ugh! It made me love you more and more . Because you accepted my flaws and more 

importantly made me accept them too.

I'm not sure which part is worst. I mean at the end of the day you had already left anyways so whilst the physical presence of you being gone was hard . Not having you around mentally is even harder. I deleted out whAtsapp conversation. But I did re read a lot of it and I can't say I've ever met anyone that I've clicked with like that immediately. Even our first conversation which almost could have turned into sleaze bag territory I found honest and refreshing. And whilst a lot of times I wish your phone had grammar correct too . I looked forward to our daily silly banter more than you know. Nothing started a day off better than saying good morning.

It kills me that i can't be there for you through your chaos and turmoil like you've always been for me. It kills me that we won't be sharing the hard times together because the easy times are easy. But we always got through the hard times a little bruised, but together and stronger. 

I don't know if I can bring myself to send you this because I do love you so much and I recognize that you've made a decision and I need to respect that. And even though I am very hurt and probably will be for a long time I still very much love and respect you. For the person you are the person I know you'll be and for helping me be the person I want to be. 

It's a strange phenomenon. One day you're here, the next day I'm supposed to pretend like you don't exist but I feel broken. I can't wrap my head around it. It's like the world is testing me to see if I'm strong and I'm scared that I'm not. 

I want you to know that despite all that. I do love you. I want the best for you and I want you to be happy like you made me. You always put a smile on my face even if it was a grimace. I can't pretend you didn't exist because why would I? Even though it hurts I consider myself lucky to have met you. I hope that your memory of me will be the same. 

I miss you so much Scott. Every little part. 

I'm not sure if I've ever given this much away. And I recognize that I probably won't receive a response which is likely for the best.

I want you to know I'm trying. That I DO listen and I am trying to be a better version of me. It's just unfortunate that that version won't have you in it. I'm sorry if this email is scary for you. But I spent a lot of this relationship holding back. Not showing you my cards. But now you have them. Please take care

Love always